I know those God-colored glasses are around here somewhere…
I had a call today from the oncology nurse. The CT scan showed “borderline enlarged” supraclavical lymph nodes. The doctor wants me to have a repeat chest CT scan in 3 months to see if there has been any change in their sizes.
I very politely and sweetly spoke with the nurse, but the moment I hung up the phone, I fell apart. I cried buckets of tears…called my husband. Called my mother-in-law. Cried some more.
Not another CT scan! I lost four pounds in one day the last time I had to endure the xray tube. The anxiety is just too much to handle, and I feel bruised and broken all over.
Then I came across a mommy devotion by Lisa Welchel. The title? “Where is God in all of this?”
Lisa quotes a devotion from Oswald Chambers:
Behold, He cometh with clouds. -Revelation 1:7
In the Bible clouds are always connected with God. Clouds are those sorrows or sufferings or providences, within or without our personal lives, which seem to dispute the rule of God. It is by those very clouds that the Spirit of God is teaching us how to walk by faith.
Cloudy is an apt description of the state of my thoughts and my faith. I do take comfort, though, in knowing that hidden within those clouds is a rainbow.
Again, I need special glasses to see it.
Until then, a song keeps running through my head. I share it with you here:
Saying “Blessed be the name of the LORD,” while walking in the wilderness, is a CHOICE. It is not easy, especially for someone like me who likes very much to be in control, to let go. To bless the name of the Lord…because…
- HE is holy
- HE is the light
- HE is my Creator
- HE is my Salvation
- HE is my hope
- HE is my strength
- HE includes me in his family
- HE collects all my tears in a bottle
- HE cares for me
- HE knows me…and loves me anyway.
So I will praise Him through these clouds until I catch a glimpse of the rainbows hidden inside.
EverFaith 
Oh Christie. (((HUGS))) I’m sorry this just won’t go away! I am praying for you, sweetie.
Please try not to dwell on the scan. Tell yourself that you’ll let yourself stress out the week of the scan but not a day before that. If the thoughts come, just tell yourself it isn’t time yet. By the time it comes around maybe you’ll not have the extreme nerves you’re thinking you will. Even if you DO, you won’t give up three stinking months to it.
Hang in there. He is near.
I like your idea of setting it aside so it won’t ruin three months of my life!! I’m trying to get the appointment set up for the end of December so that it will be covered by this year’s insurance.