I’m not having a good day today. I’ve been fighting it all day, trying to push down and ignore the loneliness, trying to keep myself busy.
Ever noticed how the state of your heart directly impacts your energy level? My legs feel like heavy weights. I don’t want to do anything. No food is appetizing, not even my favorite. I hope I’m not getting sick. Of course the anxiety about any stray weird feeling in my stomach sends my heart into overdrive. I really don’t think I am sick. Just heartsick.
I get many of my anxious neurotics from my dad’s side of the family. He, too, does not fly unless there is a funeral or some other emergency that requires a flight. The difference between us is that he doesn’t even bat an eye at himself and his ways. He is comfortable in his skin. He doesn’t feel guilty about his tether to home.
If only I had his sense of comfort. But I don’t. I feel like crawling outside of my own skin. I would if I could. I am angry with God tonight for allowing me to be this anxious. Didn’t He send Jesus to cure such as me? Why haven’t I experienced perfect peace? I need a deliverance. I need a healing. I’m resigned to the fact that this probably won’t come until I reach heaven. My imperfect mind is trapped in this imperfect body, and though I do experience the “renewing of my mind” through Christ…I still suffer from out of control thoughts and a racing heart and shaky limbs, lightheadedness, and chest pain.
I miss my family so! I wish I could have been there at the fountain in this picture. I wish I could have walked past the prison where the Apostle Paul penned his letters. I could have. I know that. I am my own worst enemy.
Would it have been better to have been born in a third world country where such luxuries of international travel are not even imagined? To have to live on such a poverty level that my every thought is captive to Christ through necessity?
So there you have it. The other side of everfaith. The depressed and downcast me.
Thank you, Lord, that tomorrow is another day, and joy will hopefully come in the morning.