You don’t look sick.
Outwardly I look the same as always, but I’ve been walking in a haze of pain today. The electrical stimulation treatments did not prevent excruciating menstrual cramping this month as they did the previous three months. I had some pain yesterday, but today was another off the scale kind of day.
My counselor read me an article the other day written by Christine Miserandino, a woman who suffers from Lupus. Although I do not share her particular illness, I can really relate to the way she has to ration her life because fibromyalgia is stealing mine. In her article, Christine tells her readers to imagine that every activity of their day is represented by a spoon. People who do not have chronic illness don’t have to think or plan ahead to do whatever activity they wish to do — they have an unlimited number of spoons.
Those of us who do have a chronic illness, though, wake up each day with a limited number of spoons. Some days we have more spoons than others.
Now it is 8pm, and I have used up all of today’s spoons and probably most of tomorrow’s as well due to my severe pain and the way I continued with yesterday and today’s activities instead of resting, as I should have done. I took my daughter to the Galleria to get fitted for new ice skates yesterday even though I wanted to curl up with the heating pad. I worked at a homeschool co-op today and pushed my way through the pain only to find it magnified beyond coping this afternoon…yet still I got up and drove my daughter to a piano recital and stayed for the performance. Only through the grace of God was I able to do those mommy duties…but I am paying for it. Little men holding wrenches are pinching various places on my body: my ovaries, my lower back, my hips, my rear end, my upper thighs, my head.
I don’t want to have a chronic illness. I want to be healed. I want my life back! I believe my healing will come, and I thank God that I’ve had three good months even though this one has been so bad. I find comfort in remembering that my healing comes from Him!
1 Bless the LORD, O my soul;
And all that is within me, bless His holy name!
2 Bless the LORD, O my soul,
And forget not all His benefits:
3 Who forgives all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases,
4 Who redeems your life from destruction,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies,
5 Who satisfies your mouth with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
So it’s two steps forward and one step back, it seems, which leaves me clinging to the One who made me, begging for release from these little men who wield such brutal wrenches — and for an extra supply of “spoons” to see me through.