Through the haze

Homeschooling my child has to be one of the most difficult tasks I’ve ever done.  Most of the time this is because I am my own worst enemy.

My counselor told me the other day that he thinks I must have a lot of negative self-talk going on inside my head.  I think he was right.  If a loudspeaker was attached to my brain that broadcast my thoughts, people would likely hear nothing but “all bad, all the time.”  This applies to all aspects of my life.

Yet the Bible tells me to take captive every thought in obedience to Christ.  So is my mental self-bashing okay, then, because I keep rehearsing in my mind all those things that I’ve done wrong?  Why do I have such a difficult time letting go of my mistakes?

Last week my daughter and I visited an information meeting for a classical school.  I left the meeting feeling lower than low, berating myself for my homeschooling choices up to now.  I was so impressed with the calibre of learning taking place and with the respectful behavior of the students at the school.  However, if we wanted to enroll our daughter in that school, we’d have to play massive catch-up between now and August.  The students at this school begin Algebra 1 in seventh grade.  My daughter hasn’t even taken pre-algebra yet.

This is where the berating begins.  It isn’t that my child is not capable of being at that level.  She is exceptionally smart.  But, being a mathophobe myself, I did not push her.  When we first started with math in her second grade year, I could have jumped right into 3rd or even 4th grade math…but I didn’t know that at the time.  We ended up being bored.  Why didn’t I just jump to the next grade level?  I was a new homeschooler and still held to the “by the book” routines that I used when I taught in a classroom.  It didn’t even occur to me that we could have just skipped a grade!

As a result….I find that one of our schooling options is either cut-off from us or at least held up a very steep hill.

And that’s just in math!  Don’t get me started about Latin.

Next week we will visit a Classical Conversations seventh grade class in order to see what that track might be like for us. I am hopeful…and prayerful that we will find some answers.

Above all the self-berating I am doing, I want God’s will for my daughter.  I know He has perfect plans for her life…and I do not want to be a hindrance in any way to His will.  I’m just having a difficult time discerning that will through the haze of my own self-recriminations.

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