I know I haven’t written much on this blog lately. I’ve been in a downward spiral of pain, depression and anxiety. When you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all…that’s what my mom used to always say. So….I’ve been saying nothing.
I have so many blessings…too many to count. When I think of those suffering in Japan, my response to my own difficulties shames me. I sit here with a beautiful view of my back yard, my sweet dog patiently curled up by my side (she would be in my lap if it was not taken up by this laptop!). I have plenty of clean water and food to eat. I am privileged to be able to live in a country where I can worship God freely and can homeschool my child without interference from the government. My family loves me. Tasty Tex-Mex is right around the corner. My husband surprises me with thoughtful gestures…
…yet my soul inexplicably weeps. I am so weary of feeling poorly that I have just about given up. I don’t even remember what it feels like to have a good day. I feel ashamed of the state of my soul.
It’s taken me a long time to realize it…and an even longer time to admit it, but I am depressed…and I’m ashamed of it. I should be strong. I should focus on Jesus and scorn the pain and suffering of my heart and my body, counting it as all joy:
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6 But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.
I confess that I am not there yet. I have asked for deliverance from: anxiety, pain, phobias, and depression — but I have not yet received. So my soul is weary. I feel as if the Lord above has turned his back on me. Especially now as I read those words above from James about the double-minded man, unstable in all he does.
Unstable is a good descriptive word for my spirit at the moment. I’m up one moment and down the next. I want to be alone, and yet I crave companionship. I long for the day when I will breathe my last breath because then — finally — I will know peace. Even my dreams are filled with angst: last night I dreamed a friend attempted dental surgery on me, and the hole in my mouth just kept bleeding and bleeding until it was like a fountain that wouldn’t stop. Then I woke up in the middle of a panic attack. Can you blame me?
I am undergoing another round of blood and saliva testing to try to see if my hormones are off. If they are, then I could begin a treatment regimen with bioidentical hormones. But I am not holding my breath for success. I am still using the electric stimulation machine — 3 hours a day — and although it HAS helped with some of my daily pain, it hasn’t helped pain associated with my cycle. I really can’t have healing without God’s favor on me. So I cry out for it…
But as for counting it all joy? The joy before me is beyond my horizon, but I have to believe it is coming. Somehow, someway, God will make me better than new. He will make me mature and complete, not lacking in anything. I can only hope it will happen THIS side of heaven!