It’s not a good thing when your highest hopes are that you will suffer a heart attack and die quickly in your sleep.

That morbid thought occurred to me tonight when I stupidly looked online for information about a surgery I’m supposed to have soon to find and treat endometriosis.

Every fiber of my being is screaming NO!  No, I don’t want to have to do a “bowel cleansing” of any type before the surgery.  No, I don’t want gas blown up in my stomach.  No, I don’t want nausea or vomiting when I come out of anesthesia.  No, I don’t want pain from burned off lesions and scar tissue.  I will basically feel as if I’ve been hit by a truck post-surgery, according to what I’ve read.  And the doctors are overly optimistic about the “day or two” recovery time, especially if LOTS of burning and cutting and lasering is done, according to multiple websites I’ve come across written by people who have experienced laparoscopy for endometriosis.

I’m considering a decision to NOT have surgery and learn to live with the pain instead.

I just want to be normal, please?  I am sitting here feeling furious with the Lord.  I feel like He has abandoned me.  He has lowered me into a slimy pit, and at this moment in time, I’d just really rather not be here.  On this earth.  I’d rather be with Him in a place where there is no pain and fear is absent.

But unless the Lord knows something I don’t know, that option isn’t mine yet.  I have to put one foot in front of the other.  And tomorrow is my pre-op appointment.  Sigh.

I started counseling this week with a licensed therapist.  So far, I’m not “cured.”  But I am beginning to understand that this anxiety is not me.  I am not made up of a ball of anxiety, although it feels that way.  I am struggling tonight with the Lord.  I want to know WHY I have been plagued with these wearying health issues.  I want to know why I hurt so much.  I want to know what He’s going to do to get me fixed.

I feel abandoned, struck down, and destroyed. (from the song) but, the song continues, “I am blessed beyond the curse for His promise still endures, and joy comes in the morning…I’m trading my sickness, I’m trading my shame…I’m laying it down, for the joy of the Lord.”

Saying those words and meaning them are two different things. You can pray that the Lord will give me an unmistakable sign at the pre-0perative appointment tomorrow.  If he sends an angel telling me to do the surgery…or if I pass out from the pain…or if the Holy Spirit fills me with certainty, or if somehow he gives me a huge sign (such as, the doctor says something about Gideon and the sheepskin) then I will obey and I will trust that surgery is God’s path for me. But I don’t put my trust in the doctor at all. My trust is in God.

I wish Jesus was here so I could touch his robe!