There are strongholds in my life. I feel fortunate that the Lord has opened my eyes enough to see them. I know in my head that He has overcome the world and everything the enemy decides to throw at me. It’s something else, though, to transform the deepest parts of myself that cry out for the light.
“And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” -Phil 1:6
God isn’t finished with me yet!
It is interesting to sit back sometimes and watch the way the enemy tries to steal away our joy, especially if we press closer to the Lord and draw from his strength.
One of my major obstacles to adoption has to do with childhood in general. Specifically, with childhood illnesses. I freely confess that I am what my daughter terms a “germaphobe.” I carry hand sanitizer in my car and in my purse. Upon leaving a store or other public place, I pull it out when we first get in the car. I have a tendency to panic attacks that occur whenever there is a danger of me or anyone in my family coming down with stomach flu. This means that when my daughter was younger, a couple times a year I went into full fledged panic attack mode, complete with uncontrollable shaking and anxiety so elevated that I would go a day or two being unable to eat. The entire time I was able to function and care for my daughter — but at an expense of not taking care of myself. And I hated myself every time she wanted a hug and I did so reluctantly for fear of the sickness spreading to me. Talk about selfish!
My mother asked me today if I was ready to go through that kind of anxiety again knowing how I react to those kinds of situations. It’s not as if I can reasonably ask the birth parents if they themselves are prone to stomach illnesses.
My honest answer is that I am not sure if I am ready or if I will ever be ready. It’s when I am in the middle of a panic attack that I am glad I only have one child. More children mean a higher likelihood of “sharing the love.”
And that is exactly what the enemy wants to hear, isn’t it? Doesn’t he find ways to throw curveballs at us when we are closest to following God’s will?
This week my husband and I have been more focused on adoption than we’ve ever been. Suddenly my daughter’s sweet friend who she has played with very recently has come down with…you guessed it…stomach flu.
Today I felt the Lord working in me. At first my legs got that “fight or flight” adrenaline rush, and I felt an unpleasant panic attack coming on. But for today, I refused to go there. I refused to let my mind obsess over whether or not my child will get sick. I prayed harder for the Lord’s hedge of protection around us, and I offer up praises this evening no matter what. The Lord’s will be done!
So I sense that the enemy is mounting an attack. I will not be afraid. The Lord is my shield. The Lord is my light. The Lord is my rock. The Lord takes me by the hand and leads me beside still waters. My legs might shake. My lungs might squeeze the air out of me to the point of pain. My head might ache, my neck might tighten up into a crick, but the Lord is with me, and I am letting go so I can let Him.
2 thoughts on “Letting Go”
Praying for you, friend.
If it makes you feel more assured, my good friend Joanne (who is an author and speaker for MOPS) has the same problem with her own girls (they are 7 and 9, I think). She is a wonderful mom–and her panic (or yours!) doesn’t take away from that fact.
Press into Him. He will not let your feet slip.
Oh, I hope you see this comment even though this post is old!
I just left a comment on your most current post and decided to read into your archives a bit to get to ‘know’ you a little better…..and I came to this post and almost cried.
You may not believe this but I have this EXACT same problem, only even worse. For me it is so bad that I can NOT tend to my daughter when she is stomach sick at all. Luckily, I have a very understanding husband who stepped in whenever necessary. I shudder to think how it has effected my little girl, but I pray that God redeems what I’ve messed up in her.
I carry hand sanitizer everywhere, too. It drives my family nuts! OH, and this problem is the top reason why I only have one child. Frankly, its a miracle I even had her! For years I thought I couldn’t do it, but early in my marriage God gave me a moment of courage and luckily that was all it took to get pregnant!!
It used to be the main reason why I homeschooled, although now that has changed since I’ve seen how wonderful homeschooling truly is! Daily I struggle with so many things due to this problem, I could never list them all but the current one is sleepovers. My daughter is almost 10 and it seems all her friends are having sleepovers for their 10th birthday. For some reason, I’ve associated sleepovers with stomach illnesses following the next day or two. Guess I heard someone refer to that once and it stuck, like so many other things.
Seriously I could go on and on. This problem (or ‘issue’ as my family lovingly calls it) has effected every aspect of my life in one way or another. I’ve prayed and cried and screamed and begged God on so many occasions to deliver me of it, but still it is, for whatever reason, with me. I actually almost lost my faith over it at one time, but God finally broke through the fog of doubt I had and now I see things a bit differently. I’ve learned to embrace the word ‘nevertheless’.
I still wish with my whole heart to be free of it, but I wonder if it serves a purpose in a weird way. Perhaps without it I’d never have decided to homeschool and my daughter would be SUCH a different person if I hadn’t. Perhaps it will serve to help someone else in the future. Perhaps in many ways God is using it to work out a greater good. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.
I SO apologize AGAIN for going on and on!! It is just so rare to find someone with this really strange (no offense!) problem and something in me rejoices that I’ve found someone out there who knows how real it is, and how hard it is. And then to read that you are feeling a measure of deliverance….that is so encouraging!
Again, it is truly so nice to meet you. I just know it in my heart that God has led me to your blog!