There are strongholds in my life. I feel fortunate that the Lord has opened my eyes enough to see them. I know in my head that He has overcome the world and everything the enemy decides to throw at me. It’s something else, though, to transform the deepest parts of myself that cry out for the light.
“And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” -Phil 1:6
God isn’t finished with me yet!
It is interesting to sit back sometimes and watch the way the enemy tries to steal away our joy, especially if we press closer to the Lord and draw from his strength.
One of my major obstacles to adoption has to do with childhood in general. Specifically, with childhood illnesses. I freely confess that I am what my daughter terms a “germaphobe.” I carry hand sanitizer in my car and in my purse. Upon leaving a store or other public place, I pull it out when we first get in the car. I have a tendency to panic attacks that occur whenever there is a danger of me or anyone in my family coming down with stomach flu. This means that when my daughter was younger, a couple times a year I went into full fledged panic attack mode, complete with uncontrollable shaking and anxiety so elevated that I would go a day or two being unable to eat. The entire time I was able to function and care for my daughter — but at an expense of not taking care of myself. And I hated myself every time she wanted a hug and I did so reluctantly for fear of the sickness spreading to me. Talk about selfish!
My mother asked me today if I was ready to go through that kind of anxiety again knowing how I react to those kinds of situations. It’s not as if I can reasonably ask the birth parents if they themselves are prone to stomach illnesses.
My honest answer is that I am not sure if I am ready or if I will ever be ready. It’s when I am in the middle of a panic attack that I am glad I only have one child. More children mean a higher likelihood of “sharing the love.”
And that is exactly what the enemy wants to hear, isn’t it? Doesn’t he find ways to throw curveballs at us when we are closest to following God’s will?
This week my husband and I have been more focused on adoption than we’ve ever been. Suddenly my daughter’s sweet friend who she has played with very recently has come down with…you guessed it…stomach flu.
Today I felt the Lord working in me. At first my legs got that “fight or flight” adrenaline rush, and I felt an unpleasant panic attack coming on. But for today, I refused to go there. I refused to let my mind obsess over whether or not my child will get sick. I prayed harder for the Lord’s hedge of protection around us, and I offer up praises this evening no matter what. The Lord’s will be done!
So I sense that the enemy is mounting an attack. I will not be afraid. The Lord is my shield. The Lord is my light. The Lord is my rock. The Lord takes me by the hand and leads me beside still waters. My legs might shake. My lungs might squeeze the air out of me to the point of pain. My head might ache, my neck might tighten up into a crick, but the Lord is with me, and I am letting go so I can let Him.