Sweet dreams.

I’d love to have them…if I could get to sleep.  Last night was the seventh night in a row that I was unable to sleep and the eighth day of increasing pain.  You know something’s got to change when your tween daughter who normally notices nothing about physical appearance suddenly tells you that you don’t look well. Must be those circles under my eyes!

Tomorrow is a Big Day.  My husband is joining me in a visit to the doctor who diagnosed me with adenomyosis so we can discuss surgery options. If the Lord is trying to make me uncomfortable in an effort to move me closer to Door Number 1 marked “Surgery,” then He is successful.  I am beyond uncomfortable. Where do I sign?

On the other hand, an alien named Anxiety has reared its ugly head and has taken over my body.  I had a panic attack last night that shook my legs so badly that I literally could not walk. I suspect Anxiety also has a hand in why my stomach has been so painful this past week, with the Big Day looming ahead.

Yet…I have a strapping husband who is here for me, who holds my hand through the panic attacks and encourages me to EAT, EAT, EAT every chance he gets.  He cleans the pool and takes care of the dog and made breakfast this morning so I could sleep in, once I finally was able to overcome the stomach pain enough to sleep.  As I write this, he’s organizing the pots and pans under the stove.  I think he even vacuumed the crumbs out before putting the pans back in!  (or maybe that him vacuuming  the mound of sea salt I accidentally spilled today when the lid came off the salt shaker…but that’s another story…)  While most of the male Texas population watched football and/or golf, he went grocery shopping with me and lifted the bags so I wouldn’t have to strain my already aching back.  And, he’s going with me to the doctor tomorrow and to another one on Tuesday.  Somehow knowing that he will be with me makes me feel strong.

We really are two parts of a whole.

I’m so glad he’s strong.  One of the things I fell in love with him for was his ability to wrap me in a hug that completely enveloped me in his strapping arms. He has a strong mind (re: stubborn and searingly logical) — qualities that are diminished in me as I face this looming wall ahead.  He will be strong enough for both of us even if I fall apart in anxiety or embarrass myself by dissolving into tears at the appointment scheduling desk.

But my dear husband isn’t the only strength holding me up.  Propping both of us up is our Father. He will give us whatever we need as we walk through the days ahead.