I’d love to have them…if I could get to sleep. Last night was the seventh night in a row that I was unable to sleep and the eighth day of increasing pain. You know something’s got to change when your tween daughter who normally notices nothing about physical appearance suddenly tells you that you don’t look well. Must be those circles under my eyes!
Tomorrow is a Big Day. My husband is joining me in a visit to the doctor who diagnosed me with adenomyosis so we can discuss surgery options. If the Lord is trying to make me uncomfortable in an effort to move me closer to Door Number 1 marked “Surgery,” then He is successful. I am beyond uncomfortable. Where do I sign?
On the other hand, an alien named Anxiety has reared its ugly head and has taken over my body. I had a panic attack last night that shook my legs so badly that I literally could not walk. I suspect Anxiety also has a hand in why my stomach has been so painful this past week, with the Big Day looming ahead.
Yet…I have a strapping husband who is here for me, who holds my hand through the panic attacks and encourages me to EAT, EAT, EAT every chance he gets. He cleans the pool and takes care of the dog and made breakfast this morning so I could sleep in, once I finally was able to overcome the stomach pain enough to sleep. As I write this, he’s organizing the pots and pans under the stove. I think he even vacuumed the crumbs out before putting the pans back in! (or maybe that him vacuuming the mound of sea salt I accidentally spilled today when the lid came off the salt shaker…but that’s another story…) While most of the male Texas population watched football and/or golf, he went grocery shopping with me and lifted the bags so I wouldn’t have to strain my already aching back. And, he’s going with me to the doctor tomorrow and to another one on Tuesday. Somehow knowing that he will be with me makes me feel strong.
We really are two parts of a whole.
I’m so glad he’s strong. One of the things I fell in love with him for was his ability to wrap me in a hug that completely enveloped me in his strapping arms. He has a strong mind (re: stubborn and searingly logical) — qualities that are diminished in me as I face this looming wall ahead. He will be strong enough for both of us even if I fall apart in anxiety or embarrass myself by dissolving into tears at the appointment scheduling desk.
But my dear husband isn’t the only strength holding me up. Propping both of us up is our Father. He will give us whatever we need as we walk through the days ahead.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)
The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms. (Deuteronomy 33:27)
Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings. (Psalm 61:1-4)
The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run into it and are safe. (Proverbs 18:10)
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. (Matthew 11: 28-31)
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14:27)
My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9)
Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. (Exodus 14:13a,14)
And, perhaps the most meaningful verse for me this day, as my eyes are gritty with fatigue and my anxiety is ramping up:
I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety. (Psalm 4:8)